Conversations with God

 

Miserable.

 

Why?  Everything is at your fingertips.

 

Right…  Well…  Not everything is perfect.  Fuck you. 

 

Small stresses.

 

What would you know?  You don’t know me.  You don’t know where my head is at.

 

What if I did though?  What if I knew exactly where your head is at, where your thoughts come from, where your heart lies?  What if I could prove it to you?  Upon hearing me speak your inner-most thoughts, would you submit?  Would you acknowledge that I know you, Alex Johnson, better than you know yourself?  Would you allow me to guide you.

 

Sure.

 

“Sure.”  How passive, and disbelieving. 

 

Look, I do ok.  I work, I pay rent, I exercise, eat fairly well, hang out with friends, and make people smile. 

 

But you just said you were miserable.  You’re backtracking.  You’re scared.  You’re scared that I might actually be a power greater than you.

 

It’s like death though, isn’t it?  We all know it’s inevitable, and even if we sometimes think it might just be better to end it all, we almost always fight against it at the last minute.  Is that fear?  Or is that just basic human will?  Forgive me for saying this, but, and again, fuck you.

 

You would like me to commend you on your resilience, your independence, your self-reliance.  Your scars are noted, but no points are awarded for how you’ve managed to survive despite them. 

 

That’s a little harsh.

 

You just said “Fuck you” to me.

 

I mean that I’m just “surviving”.  Haven’t I been living a good life?

 

Well, you did just say you’re miserable.

 

I--  what do you want?  I’m having a bad day.  I have some shit on my mind.

 

And do you realize how small these things are?

 

What?!  I don’t know where I’m going to live in 4 weeks, I’m losing money at work, I am abusing the emotions of 2 different women for my own sexual gratification-

 

-You don’t know how to care for your sick mother, you’re tired of all your friends, you’ve lost your joy in life.  And oh yes, you’re upset about your new bicycle’s flat tire.  Yes, I know.  I told you: I know your soul.

 

So, what do you want?

 

I want you to acknowledge that I am a power greater than you.  I want you to let go of your tough idea of your ‘self’ and become a vessel for me.  I want you to listen, to be faithful, to use your strengths towards a Larger Plan that is good.