I’m in a long narrow room, rows of seats metering the length. We are all sitting in our seats. Of course we are, because the guards are constantly doing seat checks. Once, I had tried leaning over to get a better view out the window and a guard noticed, making me plead my case at gunpoint. What kind of prisoners were we? It seems like World War II, but this was not a concentration camp. This is an upstairs utility room in a house in a European village.
The sun begins to go down. The guards are changing their posts and I have only moments to gather a bag as their flippancies briefly overlap. From our belongings, I throw in a few items, but it is my passport which I’m most concerned about bringing. The changing guards are having a conversation in the doorway. I hurry to find my passport. The new guard is coming on. My hand finds 2 passports! One must be mine, but the other?? The new guard begins to walk down the aisle. One of the passports must be my mothers, but I don’t have time to check which one is which! If I take them both, I will be forever damning her to this prison, stealing her only possibility of achieving sanctuary in a neighboring country. The guard is only 100 paces from me now. I hold my breath and take one of the passports on faith, throw it into my small pack, and duck behind the corner before the guard notices my empty seat.
I have managed to escape through a side window and lower myself onto the street unnoticed. The village is quiet. A small family scurries across the street, not intending on dealing with the gestapo despite the family’s innocence. I turn away from the main street, back behind the building from which I came, and down the hill into the woods below. I can hear guards calling to each other above on the ridge, but despite their foreign language, I detect that no alarm has been raised yet. Still, my heart is beating out of my chest. I am aware of the tracks I’m leaving in the snow as I go lower into the ravine. Shadows come over the ridge. There are dogs patrolling the woods as well. Two of them, unintentionally getting closer to me! I lie down in the snow near a large tree. I can hear the guards above, the dogs are getting closer. My heart pounding, but I remind myself that no one knows anything is amiss.
The first dog finds me. I am still like a corpse. The second dog finds me, both of them sniffing me on high alert. Through the corners of my eye, I can see that both dogs are finally in front of me. Left hand! Shoots out and grabs first dog around the top of his snout, my thumb covering both of his nostrils. Right hand! The second dog had only a fraction of a second to react, but I’m able to grab his muzzle, mostly cheek and whiskers at first, then pulling, yelping, regripping around his full muzzle in but a moment. Both dogs in my trap, the first one beginning to lose oxygen, his muffled thrashes quickly losing their vigor. I am able to lean over, get a position up on my knees, and lower a knee on top of the first dogs neck. The second dog is thrashing, throwing my right arm around, but my grip is unwavering. I place more weight over my knee on the dogs neck and, with a snap, pull the dogs muzzle straight up, breaking it’s neck. It’s muscle strain evaporates underneath me. I am able to let go with my left hand. The second dog thrashes. I lean over to the right, up on my knees, and now, like an experienced veteran, snap the second dogs neck. The sound is audible and I fight the urge to vomit. Did the guards on the ridge hear any of that?? I am still. Not a breath. WAIT. Nothing. WAIT. Nothing. I slowly exhale, my chest and throat closed save for a pinhole. WAIT. Not a sound in the woods. No alarm. I look down at the two bodies below me. I love dogs, I do. I am filled with remorse, but don’t stop to touch their soft fur.
Trekking through the woods as darkness lowers, I’ve found the back of a train station! Running now as I can see the train is in station and boarding! Oh fuck, I might miss it! I’m running, and swing my pack around to unzip it in front of me as I run. I am within 30 paces now. Can the operators see me running? My hand finds the small booklet and I pull out the passport I had grabbed, still not knowing if it was mine or my mothers. Screaming now, “Nein! Nein! Don’t leave!”, I dive forward to the platform, the passport high above me and I thrust it into the impatient operators face. Oh God, please let this be my passport. I’m as good as dead if it is not. The operator opens the pamphlet and looks at me. If it isn’t my passport, God, please make my death quick. The operator closes my passport and lowers it. I am in limbo with his neutrality! He hands it back to me and jerks his head toward the train.
I’m on the train. It is more like a trolley as there aren’t even 4 solid walls. An open seating platform on track wheels. For the first time, I am able to allow myself a glimmer of hope. I slump into a chair but remind myself to try and blend in, act like you belong here. I find a map that tells me that if I stay on this train long enough, it will lead me to a northern country in which I can find sanctuary.
The train winds through the snow-dampened woods. Eventually a clearing emerges, and a massive mountain's town lights illuminate the slopes behind it. The train slows and many people gather their belongings to get off at this stop. It appears to be a ski resort and everyone is getting off! Wait- everyone?! I am the only person left sitting. A small blonde girl is walking by me, led by her mother’s hand. “I know who you are”, she says without any trace of familiarity nor condemnation. With my eyes alone, I urge her not to give me away as the train pulls away from the station. I am left as the sole passenger.
The train winds through the dark woods, tree branches hanging over the tracks, whipping me as we pass. I am conscious of how much of a spotlight I’ve put on myself, being the only passenger on this train, and my heart begins to thump again. Maybe I should have gotten off with everyone else. I’m now in the middle of nowhere. What lies on the track ahead? Guard checkpoints? Maybe I should jump off and go by foot? There’s 2 feet of snow on the ground and I have no bearings of where I am except for the train tracks. Lights only illuminate the immediate future as the train begins to slow around a bend. What is around the corner? I have no idea. Concluding I have no choice but to jump before we turn the corner, I ready myself on the edge of the trains platform, waiting for a clearing in the trees to jump…
{I wake up}
{I wake up}
