2 Dreams

It’s a massive lake with boats, and floating living pontoons.  We’re driving out on a small flat boat and I get dropped off by request and habit/tradition.  The boat pulls away, leaving me swimming and treading water.  I realize in just a few seconds that I won’t be able to make it, and call out.  “Daaad!”  It’s not very loud, but my call reaches the boat speeding away and I see it turn around.  I’m picked up and cannot tell if my Dad and boatsmen are embarrassed by me, or just frustrated that they’re now behind schedule.  They drop me back home, a floating pontoon with a few ‘back alleys’ and a rickety baseball diamond.  I expertly jump in the water behind the baseball diamonds bleachers, and casually climb up the back of the bleachers like monkey bars.  My dad’s boat speeds away.  Through the bleachers, hidden, I can see a few kids talking, laughing.  About me!  I climb up the lake scummy soaked bleachers to get a better position to hear and see them.  What were they saying about me?  Why?- I had done nothing wrong to them!  Maybe because I was a water-hick kid from a water-hick family/clan.. and not even a good one at that!..

It’s an 1800’s-London-style street and I’m standing under what appears to be a massive wooden arch.  It has just rained.  I can hear people calling out, “Don’t do it, ___” (horse’s name??).  I turn and see a horse and rider at the base of this wooden rainbow.  They are looking up, plotting their course.  I follow their gaze and realize that the first half of the wooden arch is a ladder of sorts.  At the very top, there is a large gap, and then the back side is a smooth ‘runway’.  They will attempt to jump the gap, 100 feet over our heads.  A wave comes over me.  I am here for this horse, but not to see it jump.  Something else… They race towards the base of the wooden arch, and charge up the ladder.  It becomes so steep they slow down a bit.  They crowd is murmuring and crying until the gap when there are screams and gasps.  I am looking straight up at this point but my view is botched by the last remaining raindrops falling and the sun poking out of clouds.  I don’t see the landing, nor do I hear a sound.  It must have been a good landing, I assume.  Yet, the ‘runway’ is smooth and in a second I watch the horse and rider come sliding on their side, down the other side of the rainbow, slamming neck first into a safety-wall.  The crowd is screaming as a ready handler jabs a needle into the horses hind leg from the end of a pole.  They’re putting it down immediately.  Almost as soon as they administer the shot, the jockey is beginning to fold a sheet over its body.  They already had sheets on the runway area!  But then, the horses legs kick, it’s struggling against the drugs.  The crowd screams louder and you can tell some people are running away, some are getting sick.  The handlers hurry to setup another injection, but fumble and trip.  The jockey is putting is body weight on top of the horse, trying to keep it down until the handlers get the next shot in, but the horse is gaining strength.  It must be in shock.  As it struggles to it’s feet, the handlers still trying to get the needle attached to the end of the pole, 2 other handlers, large brutes, dive into the fray with machetes.  They start hacking at the horses hips, shoulders and neck.  The crowd is in horror, kids are screaming.  The horse is back down to its knees as it is getting sliced up like a tree getting chopped down.  Finally the second shot gets jabbed and the horse goes down.  It doesn’t move any more after that.  The air is heavy as it seems whatever people are still remaining in the small street have held their breath.  A few kids are crying, their sounds echoing through the streets as their mothers whisk them away, cursing themselves for ever thinking this was a good idea.  The sun shines through, leaving the shadow of a massive arch over the town’s west face.  What was this horse’s significance that I was supposed to see it?  I don’t believe I was supposed to see it’s death.  It seems I was almost even supposed to learn from it??

Life Apathetic

I saw an awful and gruesome accident about a year ago.  Well, actually I just heard the accident from about a block away, but quickly rushed over to the scene.  It was a Sunday night around midnight and the Eagles had been playing a big game earlier in the evening.  The driver of the car was wearing an Eagles jersey, so I assume he had been watching the game and drinking.  Who knows. 

But, it was clear to see the skid marks of his car across the street.  It looked like he was in the wrong lane, not paying attention, and then swerved to avoid an oncoming car.  Now out of control, his car hit a parked car so hard that it, in turn, hit a truck in a driveway.  The Eagle’s fan’s car continued into a telephone pole and wrapped the hood around it like tin foil.  He must have been going about 50mph on this small neighborhood street. 

I was just getting home a block away when I heard the screech and slams.  It sounded bad, and arriving at the scene, it looked worse.  However, when I arrived, the driver was standing on the sidewalk. A few neighbors were outside buzzing.  The panic was about the female passenger.  She must not have been wearing a seatbelt because as I walked around the car, I could see that she was crumpled down into the foot-room space of the passenger seat.  Covered in blood.  I’ve never seen so much blood.  It looked like an over-the-top Hollywood horror movie. She wasn’t moving at all and her body was in such a contorted shape, that I couldn’t imagine anyone not at least trying to shift their position if they were alive.  “I’ve never seen a dead body before,” I thought.

I’d taken a First Aid class years ago, but the only thing I could think of was to say, “Someone needs to take her pulse.”  That’s it.  People were already on the phone with 911 operators and I figured it would be important for them to know if there was a pulse.  But, it wasn’t going to be me!  I think I didn’t step forward to take her pulse primarily because of all the blood that I didn’t want to touch.  But, reflecting on it now, I’m not sure I cared if she lived or died.  Isn’t that awful?  Is it?  Superheroes are always rescuing the bus full of innocents from plunging over the cliff, and Jesus came to save even the prostitutes and low-lifes, but I didn’t do much more than half-heartedly delegate.  I even went as far as to assume that she must not have had her seatbelt on because she was leaning across the car in the drivers lap!
(She did eventually come to before the paramedics arrived, although I have no idea if she survived her injuries after that).

I was walking into a large apartment building this morning and in my peripheral vision, I thought I saw someone standing on the edge of the roof!  When I actually looked, there was nothing there.  For a second though, I thought about if there actually had been someone up there about to jump, and I’m not sure I would’ve yelled out to them to try to convince them not to jump!  Is that awful?  It’s not that I’d want to see a gruesome death by any means!  No, not at all.  But, what do I know about this person?  They obviously believe that life is not worth living anymore for whatever reason.  Am I allowed to think ‘the world might be a better place without them’? Am I condoning suicide by not trying to stop them from jumping?  People die everyday, I’m not a psychologist, and I believe God has a plan.  The Catholic argument is that suicide is taking ‘God’s plan’ into your own hands, and is a mortal sin.  I think there’s something about not letting your Brothers and Sisters fall into sin as well.  Am I not allowed to just let it happen?  Let the girl in the car accident die if she’s going to die.  Let the person jump if he’s going to jump.  This is out of my control, but Omnipotent God saw both coming.  Is this getting close to a Buddhist thought of ‘going with the flow’?

Is there something wrong here?  It sounds horribly apathetic towards the value of life, doesn’t it?  Don’t get me wrong- if there was some type of violent crime happening, I would try to break it up as best I could.  But I also coldly acknowledge that death is a part of life and it’s going happen sooner or later.

If I was in a brutal car accident, would I want someone to help take my pulse?

Does the guy about to jump off a building actually hope that someone will finally reach out to him in his hour of need and convince him that life is beautiful?

How does this relate to my views on abortion?  Or doesn’t it?  I am a ‘Pro-Choice’ Catholic (if I’m allowed to have both, which I’m not sure I am).  Could it be argued that abortion is a ‘violent crime’ that I promised I would try to break up as best I could?  Could it be argued that the tiny life in an uninterested mother’s womb is just the same as a bloody car accident?  Steps need to be taken to end the life, but my apathy kicks in again thinking, "people die every day", "what do I know about this woman and fetus?", and ultimately "God has a plan."... 

First fight

I don't particularly like getting into fights, but I haven't exactly done my best to avoid them either...

I remember my first fight was in 1st grade.  Dustin Z. had a big, round face and a wide mouth like King Hippo in Mike Tyson's punchout, or maybe like one of the Wild Things. He had a mop of brown curly hair, and I remember him always wearing camo pants. He was bigger and louder than other kids and enjoyed pushing his weight around.  He may be the only 'bully' I ever encountered.

We were in the Museum of Natural History on a class trip, standing in front of a 6-foot long Tyrannosaurus Rex skull.  Dustin was right behind me.  "Hey Alex," he said, "that’s almost as big as your head! HAHA!"  Everyone heard his joke and I was immediately red with embarrassment.  Without even thinking or turning around to face him, I elbowed him as hard as I could in the gut.  To my surprise, he doubled over and started crying to the teacher!  I couldn't believe it- he was mortal!!  I don't remember the teachers scolding or punishing me afterwards, but if they did, it must not have been that severe (I gotta think that the they were somewhat tickled to see the little guy take down the bully, but who knows).  Dustin would always make me a little nervous, but after that day, I don’t remember worrying about him nearly as much.

Calm in the Storm intro

Everyone get comfortable.  Relax your muscles.  Time is different now.  We are on retreat.  We have made it, a few more straggling in, but we are here now.  For the next two and a half days, time will not be racing at the same speed it does in the office or studying for class.  We are here.  That thing that you need to do by Wednesday night, that email that maybe you could’ve crafted better, the amount you have in your bank account vs. last week’s expenses, the job hunt, the difficult coworker, the traffic and red lights driving out here tonight, the things you should’ve done, the relationship in crisis, where you’re going to live in the spring, the stress of anticipating the upcoming holiday stress…  let all of these things go.  For the next two and half days, let’s work with a clean slate, focus on our life with and imitation of Christ.  God has wanted this exact group to be here, thanks be to God, we’re here now.  Let us pray…

Best train ride ever

I met a dream girl one evening.  We went out for drinks, hit it off and fell in love overnight.  The next day, I was on a crowded train in the middle of the city and saw her get on the same car!  What are the chances??- we had not planned this at all!  We made eye contact as she was stepping up, but because the train was so crowded, we couldn’t move closer to each other.  But the eyes!  The anticipation, the confirmation, the excitement in our eyes!  Best train ride ever.

Memorable t-shirts I've owned

*The Fizz Kids

(a Pepsi shirt from the 80's)

*Grey ‘wet’ shirt

(so old and worn it was fairly see-through and looked wet)

*Freshly Baked

(what a little stoner I was.  Only actually wore that shirt once)

*Volcom spiral with hole in back

(stolen from Brent, even with the hole)

*Flip Cheech and Chong with holes in back

(stolen from Brent, holes from Bosco the dog)

*For every animal you don’t eat, I’m going to eat three

(there once was a team of 3 animal enthusiasts.  1 tried to rob us, 1 went vegan)

*Tahuichi flags and soccer kid

(present from Brett, brought back from Bolivia)

*Nascar, Tony Montoya

(from roadtrip to Dallas with Tania)

*Monster Jam

(best Valentine's Day date ever, with Sam)

*18-1

(coded trash-talking)

*Backchanelmedia Nerd Cruise

(haha!-thanks Jay Newt for rotating the ship to make it 'sinking'!!)

*Animal ‘Want Woman!’

(perfect for the Valentine's Day 'red' party)

Need for community

I was watching a documentary on the punishment of 'solitary confinement' in prison systems, and how psychologically damaging it can be after extended periods of time. Yes, a little dark, and very random, but I found it really interesting and well done. Many of the inmates that were interviewed were able to speak intelligently about their experiences even though some had been 'in the hole' for over 10 years.

One of the parts of the documentary that stuck out most for me was a research experiment that was done to test the effects of loneliness. The experiment was done with regular civilians, not inmates. The test subjects were split into two groups. Group A subjects were each asked to write about a page-long reflection of a time when they were working within a team and feeling positive about the work that was being done. Group B subjects were each asked to write about a time of loneliness and desperation. Afterwards, the papers were taken away, and two bowls were placed in front of each subject from both groups. One bowl was filled with cookies and the other was filled with radishes. The subjects were then told that this would be a 'taste test' and to try the food items and write down their reactions to each.

What was actually being monitored was the amount that each subject ate! It was found that subjects from Group A (team-building writing assignment) would try a couple bites from each food item and jot down their thoughts. However, it was found that subjects from Group B (loneliness writing assignment) would continue to eat through the bowls of food well after they had noted their tastes. The conductors of the study deduced that people are less likely to control their cravings, desires, and impulsiveness if they feel lonely or depressed.

The documentary related this study's results back to the fact that inmates in solitary confinement often act out against the basic rules of the system, even if they clearly understand it will result in their extended punishment. Inmates admitted that they weren't always able to reasonably explain their actions, but that sometimes it was merely so that the guards would notice them or need to physically detain them.

It made me think about our culture. With so many people tucked away in their small cubes and apartments, hiding behind a computer screen for the majority of their day, does our online 'community' really satisfy these needs? It seems that we can comment on people's pictures, update our status', and maybe even feel pleasure when someone comments on our status', but there still remains a longing for a physical connection.