Well, this was just going to be a "Top 10 WORSTS of 2020", but I've been urged to find some silver linings in this extremely difficult year. So, here is my...
Top 10 WORSTS of 2020 (in order), with a few unrelated silver lining highlights
10. Forest fires in the U.S. west coast, Australia, and Amazon.
Did you see those pictures of San Francisco with the smoky sky glowing red? How many unknown species died in the Amazon and Australia before we could even learn about them? So many homes lost, so much destruction. How much of this could have been prevented? Images looking like the apocalypse.
Silver lining: Cooper and Lundy. These two cats have brought so much joy into my life, and I can't imagine how much more difficult this past year would've been without them.
9. Random fireworks every night throughout the city for most of the spring and summer (and near-constant helicopter sounds droning above).
Every night. And it wasn't like someone's entire stash of fireworks lit off in one big display. No- it was a solo firework (big enough to hear from other parts of the city) here, then another one over there about 20minutes later, and so on... The cats hated it, and the randomness of these bursts became extremely stressful. There were murmurs that some of the explosions were actually cops trying to scare people into staying inside during the George Floyd protests, but I don't know about that. I think it was just all the people that normally would be going to the Jersey shore that were stuck in the city and going stir-crazy. But there were also the police helicopters patrolling the city because of all the protests and riots. The droning sound makes you feel like you're in the middle of a war, paired with the firework explosions... I think the prolonged stress of this took years off my life.
Silver lining: The opportunity to till and reseed a lawn, plant a huge garden, chop wood and start a fire in my own backyard. This whole house has been a blessing, but it's been especially nice to be able to get outside (without masks on!) and do some work that makes our inner-city house feel like a cabin on a farm.
8. Isolation from friends, family, and society in general. Lost touch with so many people. Not being able to hug Mom.
Every now and then when I've been able to interact with people, I've felt a social awkwardness I haven't felt since I was a child. I've been away from people for so long that my social skills have deteriorated and I now feel anxious and without much to say. There's been a few people I've stayed in touch with, but I haven't seen or talked to most of my friends in months. Are they ok? How much has their lives changed? Are they mad that I haven't reached out? Will we reconnect after the pandemic is over? On the few occasions I've been able to see Mom, it was just heartbreaking to not be able to hug her. And I'm sure her feeling of isolation is even stronger as she's living by herself. This experience has been such a mindfuck and I constantly worry about the long-term effects it will have on me personally and collectively on our society and culture.
Silver lining: The extreme generosity from Jolene, Mo, James, and the businesses that all were happy to offer their help during the pandemic.
7. Lost job and career.
Glory was a dream job. It was affirmation that I was really good at bartending. Glory was one of the best bars in Philly, if not the country! Obviously I'm biased, but from someone who is rarely sure of his own professional capabilities, it felt like I had reached a pinnacle in my field and was having a blast doing it. And then- POOF!- it's over without any goodbye. I doubt the bar and restaurant industry will go back to how it was for a LONG time after the pandemic, if ever. And if/when it does, I don't think I'll be there. It's worth a full explanation in another writing piece/post, but to make a long story short, this pandemic has made me see what little value is given to people who work in bars and restaurants. From big government, to bar and restaurant owners, to regular patrons, industry workers have been asked to continue smiling while they subject themselves to some of the most risky conditions, while working for even less than they used to, and I just can't abide. How dare you disregard my personal safety and well-being while you laugh and get drunk without masks on during this pandemic. How dare you take advantage of these hostages that are unable to quit for fear of not being able to collect unemployment. This experience has shown me an ugliness of humanity even deeper than I had already known from working behind the bar, and it has broken me. I won't be able to find the smile for you anymore, I'm sorry. And it's so sad, because... I was fucking good. I could really make strangers feel welcome, lure timid people into trying new adventurous things, turn a bad situation around, and sell the shit out of some beer. And I really enjoyed it. But it's over now, and I'm going to miss it like crazy.
Silver lining: Tons of time by myself to do my own thing.
6. Putting the motorcycle into winter hibernation.
Luckily I've gone through this a bunch of times already, but this year was different. Giving up the motorcycle at the beginning of the winter meant closing the door on the possibility of escaping quarantine for a few hours. Without it, I'm now confined to the house and the few surrounding blocks for grocery runs until March. Besides just loving riding the motorcycle in general, it represented a freedom from the constraints of this pandemic, and in giving it up, it felt like I lost both a friend and a degree of Hope.
Silver lining: Lockdown Showdown, "bar crawl", card/board games, Mario Galaxy, snowball fights, and other shenanigans with Katy. Quarantine has been such a difficult time, but we've certainly had some laughs and memorable fun times.
5. Coronavirus (in general)
"Surreality" has been the word used over and over again. Watching and experiencing how this global pandemic has torn apart lives, governments, industries, relationships, traditions, celebrations, and futures has been profoundly demoralizing. It has changed the world for the worse, and has rocked my faith and hope for humanity.
Silver lining: Katy and I have made a ton of good food at home. Thank God both of us are good cooks and enjoy cooking! Eating at home has been fun and saved us a TON of money, but it has also contributed to my top WORST of the year however...
4. Civil rights protests met with even more police brutality.
How have we gotten to this point? Or, better said, why are we still at this point? It's unbelievable that in 2020 we are still battling (and losing) the fight for basic civil rights for all people. On top of the horror of watching a man murdered by an officer responsible for keeping the community safe, the domino effect of reactions have been subhuman. Power, and the fear of losing it, have caused people to sink to unbelievable levels, and I can't believe I am made up of the same matter as them. America could be such a beautiful mix of people and cultures, but there are deep set systems in place to keep a select group of people in power, and their crimes against humanity go unpunished, their supporters laughing in the faces of the oppressed. You people make me sick, and ashamed to be American.
Silver lining: Motorcycle camping trips. It was so refreshing to be out in the woods, away from street lights, fireworks, and helicopters overhead. Though it's small, the fear of being killed by a wild bear kind of resets your life priorities, focusing your direction moving forward. And the morning rides through the small mountain and river roads were absolutely serene.
3. Cat Taxi disbanding.
This one really fucked me up. It had been a dream of mine to front a band EVEN JUST FOR ONE SHOW. For years I practiced, wrote songs, and searched for bandmates. Finally it came together with James and Mo, we had our own practice space, and we sounded great! Though I was focused more on making it to a live show, we even recorded an album and released it in December of 2019. And then, we finally booked our first gigs for April 2020... My dream was 2 weeks away from being realized when the country went into lockdown. A few months later, the band decided that this thing wasn't going to end anytime soon, and it wasn't worth continuing to pay rent for the practice space we weren't using. And we closed up. Sure, Cat Taxi was a goofy idea with goofy songs, but it was something I worked on about as hard as I have for anything else in my life. It was an opportunity to show my art, my voice, my perspective. It was an opportunity to amplify my sound loud enough that it would enter people's chests the way I love so much when I am in the audience of a show. To be able to make music, LOUD music, at the same time with people you love was such an incredible feeling, and at least I had that, but... I wanted to do a show. Just one, at least. I just wanted to get up on stage and yell as loud as I could into a microphone. Just once. And after years of yearning for this dream, I was 2 weeks away... This pandemic has taken away so much, and losing Cat Taxi may have been the biggest thing it's taken from me. Maybe we'll get the band back together after this is all over, but I'm not sure I believe it. It makes me so sad thinking about 20 years from now telling someone about the band I almost had.
Silver lining: Inspiration to advance Mossadelphia.
2. People partying through the pandemic.
Covid-19 has cost millions of people their lives, jobs and career, relationships with friends and family, and general way of life... but you still need to go out and have cocktails with your girlfriends. How have we become so calloused that a never-before-seen national lockdown and spike of 300,000+ deaths doesn't make these people reconsider their weekend plans? Experts have been saying that bars and restaurants and indoor gatherings are the worst places for the virus to spread. It is largely due to politics and a lack of leadership to combat the ambiguity surrounding our personal responsibilities, but it still baffles my mind to see people laughing while they sit at makeshift outside tables and served by someone wearing a mask and gloves. How do you still have an appetite as a rubber glove delivers your food and you're asked if you need anything else through a muffled mask only otherwise seen around biohazards? Doesn't anything seem strange to you? How can you sit there and calculate a 10-20% tip for your server that is making $2.68 per hour without health insurance and not feel your heart break for their situation? Fuck you. How do you rationalize this in your head? Seeing how many people have still been having fun and going out for drinks or house parties during this pandemic has been the most destructive for my faith in humanity. And it's especially worse when I see people I recognize out there. How can I go back to seeing you as someone I respect after witnessing your value on human life. The fact is that you weighed your own personal risk, and came to the conclusion that going out on the town was safe enough FOR YOU. What an asshole. This virus is incredibly contagious through asymptomatic infections just the same. You don't need to go out any more than the rest of us and if you really wanted to support your favorite bar/server you can buy a gift card, get take-out, or just hand them fucking money. People have sacrificed so much so that we can beat this pandemic, but there's an equal amount of assholes out there without masks, casually ordering another round or hosting house parties. It is such a sad sight to see.
Silver lining: Getting to live in this beautiful house.
and the #1 ABSOLUTE WORST OF 2020...
1. An endless queue of dirty dishes.
It NEVER. FUCKING. ENDS.
*Noteworthy items that didn't make the Top 10 WORSTS: Washing and drying laundry by hand for 7 months, Spotted Lantern Flies, watching our democracy be put to the test by a strongman and his mob, inability to wear sunglasses because of fog from facemask.
Fuck you, 2020. You were the worst, and I can't wait for you to be in the rearview.
