I
have not been practicing what I believe in. I have been giving in to the temptation of lust at the
slightest distraction, not allowing God to help me through prayer, and yet
still preaching and pretending to understand chastity. I have become a slave to my
desires. God, please forgive me, I
am a wretch. My confessions have
been not much more than dogma, my prayers a chore until an acceptable amount of
time has passed. I am filled with
pride, Lord, cut me down. The
Devil has become my good friend; offering ephemeral entertainment and pleasure
whenever I am still.
Tony
Robbins talks about the first step in change and taking control is being honest
with the reality of your current situation. Here is my honest reality: I have been a spineless worm, a
fluttering leaf in the wind, a man with no substance. (I can hear a friendly voice saying, “you’re being too hard
on yourself…” as I write these lines now)
It is true, I have not held tight to my Rock of Truth. How can anyone be confident in the
everyday decisions they make if the person is not first tethered to a Steadfast
Source. My unmoving Mover, I want
to come back to You. In my days, I
encounter small distractions, temptations, frustrations, and boredom, and my
good friend The Devil knows just how to convert these into sin for me. Of course Christ is there with open
arms saying, “But these are lies!
Look at these distractions, temptations, frustrations, and boredom in
the Light of Truth, in the Glory and Love of My Plan”. Lord, you are too kind and gentle for a
blockhead like me to heed sometimes!
Let your love be like a thorn in my shoe, Lord God.
What
cross do I bear? What battle do I
fight? Modern man is a pampered
and privileged creature and there is little we need to do in order to maintain
our role as ‘men’ in society. Yet
how I fail even still. I can
continue on, but without You God, where am I really going? There may be small graces in my days,
but when I finally cry out to you in desperation, I may then be too far away
from You to get any instantaneous response. Oh Lord, my words and thoughts of You can be as fluffy and
poetic as a cloud, but The Devil seems to place much more tangible ‘goals’ in
my view: a pair of tight jeans, a whiff of sweet smoke, an endless sea of
mindless YouTube…
It
is time for us to kill this whispering Lizard (see "The Great Divorce" by C.S.Lewis). I have allowed him to grow quite large, Lord, and suspect
that the strength required for its fatal blow may also graze me. It may even maim me. I tell you this now, Lord: I am
ready. Kill it. If I get hurt in the process, let me
rest in the faith of Your Undying Love for me.
I
am a man. I am a man made in God’s image, a disciple of Jesus Christ. I stand for and will fight for my
beliefs. I acknowledge that I am weak
and easily persuaded to stray from my beliefs and will therefore be all the
more alert of even the beginnings of temptations. I will devote myself wholeheartedly to God through powerful
prayer. I will research how
lustful temptations work on people to better understand my Enemy. I will think about this battle of will
and faith as an actual war. I am a
soldier, currently soft and green, but eager for training. I have the tools and the Teacher to
succeed. There will be times when
it will hurt and I will suffer. These are the times that I will prove my manhood. God, this
is when I will need your armor and I will trust that you will carry me through
the night. When The Devil tells me
he’s got a good idea, this will be my battleground and my finest hour!
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