Middle-school mishchief: End-of-the-day toilet prank

One of my best friends in 6^th grade was a kid named John Schaller. We had a blast together. One of our favorite stunts was to leave for the bathroom right before the final bell would ring. We would go into the bathroom and crumple up 3 balls of toilet paper before running them under the faucet. Also, we would fill up a small cup of water, and one of us would bring the tp balls and cup of water into a stall. As soon as the final bell rang, there was a rush to use the bathroom before heading to the busses. Once someone walked in, the prank began..

“Hnnnnhhhh!-Errrr”

“John, are you ok in there?”

“I don’t know- hrrrnnnhhhh!- Plop!” John would be making grunts and groans in the stall followed by dropping in the smallest of the wet TP balls. This would, of course, draw smiles and curious and/or disbelieving looks from whoever was at the urinal or sink at the time.

“Hrrrnnnhhh!!!! PLOP!” The second ball making a bigger sound.

“My friend has been in there for about 20 minutes. We think it might have been the chicken nuggets today. How you doing, buddy?”

“Last one, I think. Hrrrnnnh!! Ugh- it’s a big one! HRRRNNNHHH!”

At this, the prankster inside the stall would throw the final ball into the toilet, creating a loud splash and simultaneously throw the cup of water over the stall door, hopefully hitting our target victim! Good times :)

Middle-school mischief: Lunch & Recess

One of our favorite things to do was cause trouble for the lunch/recess aids. There were about 3 or 4 Iranian women who I’m sure were very nice women, but their job was to keep 200 kids in line during a lunch and recess period, so naturally to us, they were witches. And we always gave a good effort to make their mid-afternoon Hellish.

Occasionally, we hurled chicken nuggets across the cafeteria. One time a particularly aerodynamic nugget actually hit a girl in the back of the head, and Jeff Rader laughed so hard that chocolate milk came out of his nose. We enjoyed catapulting grapes off of plastic spoons and had a decent collection stuck on the ceiling above our favorite table. Sometimes we’d all just make a loud humming noise solely to add to the roar and chaos of the room full of 200 kids eager to go outside for recess after lunch.

One of our main gripes was that the aides didn't allow us to play tackle football; only 2-hand touch. Now, my 5th and 6th grade is right when the 'Nerf Turbo' football design was first released. The Turbo design enabled a average 5th grader to hurl a football an additional 20 yards or so, taking the "go deep" routes during recess football to a whole new level! I remember recess football as some of the most fun I've ever had playing sports, largely due to the Nerf Turbo. We were boys though, and we'd be damned if everyday we didn't play 'tackle' until the aides blew their whistles and yelled at us to stop. Every day.

Those poor ladies must have hated us.

Middle-school mischief: Introduction to Wheat??

“Hey, have you ever smoked weed?”

“Have I ever smoked wheat?”

“No, weed.”

“Wheat??”

“WeeDD.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

I can clearly remember this conversation with Dwayne as well! We were on our way out of the principals office, 5^th grade, West Windsor, New Jersey. I had never heard of anything regarding drugs before, and D.A.R.E. wasn’t until 6^th grade.

Middle-school mischief: Sagging your pants

“Do you wear boxers or tighty-whiteys?”

“Tighty-whiteys, I guess.”

“You can’t sag your pants when you wear tighty-whiteys. You gotta start wearing boxers.”

‘Sagging your pants’ originally started when prisoners weren’t allowed to have belts as many of them had previously used belts to hang themselves. As a result, prisoners pants would rest on the top of their butts rather than their hips. Somehow it became a trend ‘on the outside’ to recreate this style, originally in recognition of either your time on the inside, or your homies still locked up. I hadn’t known about this phenomenon until that fateful day in 4^th grade when Dwayne Chisolm brought me in the loop.

I honestly think that was the last day I’ve ever wore ‘tighty-whiteys’.

Variety-pack Poverty

One night in 5th grade, I slept over at my friend James' house. James was black, and although I had a number of non-white friends in our racially diverse middle school, this was the first time I had ever hung out with a non-white outside of school or a team sport. James was quiet kid but I remember I thought he was pretty funny when he spoke, and was very good at sports.

I don't think I had ever realized, before that night, that all people didn't live as well as my family did. So, when I arrived at their small house in what was most likely housing projects, I remember being wide-eyed and a little startled. A small, two-bedroom apartment housed James, his older sister, and mother. In order to make room for me, a cot was pulled out for me, and the three kids packed in to the small second bedroom. Besides being a little surprised about the size of the house and furnishings, I don't remember anything significant or out of the ordinary happening that night. It wasn't until the next morning that I first realized was poverty was.

James and his sister shared one of the cereal box variety 10-packs that sat on top of the refrigerator. In the morning, I was given a choice of which cereal brand I wanted, picked one, and we all sat down at the table. I remember James' sister first bringing up the fact because there was an extra person in the house, there was now one less box of cereal for their week's rations. She didn't use the term 'rations', but basically I quickly came to realize that the family would not be buying any extra food when they ran out of their usual amount at the end of the week. Then, because I was James' friend, it was he who would logically be the one going hungry one morning. This conversation and realization floored me. To go without food because you were on too strict of a budget to feed a guest! And the fact that the mother must have known there would be a shortage yet still agreed to have me over for the night! I had never experienced poverty like this before and remember that moment extremely well.

Some 20 years later, I frequently think about that sleepover. When budgeting my expenses, or eating all the food on my plate, or sharing what one has no matter how little it may be, I have a vivid picture of the diminishing cereal variety pack in my mind. There are so many people in the world that don't nearly have the luxuries that we do, and the aftereffects of their poverty can be real and horrible. A child goes without breakfast because he had a friend sleep over one night and the family doesn't have enough room in the budget to compensate for the extra box of cereal eaten...

Finagling with a drunk is ever so easy

Scott: "Hey man, can I settle up?"

Me: "Sure, here you go"

Scott: "Wait, I don't think I had 9 drinks....right?"

Me: "Scott, you've been drinking since you were over at the pool table a few hours ago"

Scott: "But.. 9??"

Me: "I've been putting them in only one at a time"

Scott: "Oh... Ok."

The counter-argument doesn't need to be logical when your opponent is 9-deep and you say it with some conviction ;)

HAHAHA!

St. Patty's Day at FWOT last night

I was behind the bar and saw some pretty funny characters that were all sauced up on green beer and overpriced 'Irish' cocktails. There were two noteworthy highlights. I'll start with the good news...

There was a middle aged black couple that sat in a booth behind the bar and ordered dinner, but enjoyed a round of green/'Irish' Long Island ice-t's and green and orange jello shots before any food arrived. Soon after I served them their food, the guy asked for another round of Long Islands and jello shots. He said something along the lines of, "I like those jello shots because I like the soft things on my tongue" as he looked across the table at his date. Both her and I were blown away by the creepiness, but we awkwardly laughed it off. After they were done eating, he ordered another round of drinks and shots! As I'm sure you know, Long Island's are a lot of booze and they were going on their 3rd round plus accompanying shots. When I dropped the drinks at the table, the lady said to me, "why are you always giving me the jello shots with the orange on top?". I hadn't even noticed before, but half of the jello shots were all green and the other half were green and orange. Apparently I had given her the green and orange 3 times in a row and him the solely green 3 times in a row! "Because that's where all the sex drugs are" he interjected! HAHAHA! I was like, WHat?!? He said, "Yeah, the orange part is where all the sex drugs are, so we're in for a good night" or something like that. She did a "Oh no you didn't", and said "keep talking, I'm just closing up the more you talk. You think you're getting some action tonight?? ha!- It's becoming like a master lock right now. CLINK!" (she even did the sound effect as she pretended to put on a chastity belt!). The dude looks at me and goes, "Yeah, but I know the combination ;) " HAHAHAHAHA!!! I was dying laughing.

The second highlight doesn't have nearly as happy of an ending. Another couple was sitting at the bar and were getting pretty drunk. She was around mid-30's and pretty cute and he was around mid-40's and balding. I didn't take much notice of them until later in the night when I saw HER get off her barstool and bend down on one knee! Mind you, this couple was Drunk. Over the crowd and music, I couldn't exactly hear what she said, but it was clear that she was proposing right there along the side of the Fingers and Wings bar on St. Patty's day! HAHA! And he was motioning like "no, not know, I don't want to talk about this now..". Basically, "no"! Holy shit, did that just happen?!? Did she just propose and get rejected?!? So he gets up and goes to the jukebox, and she puts her fists on the bar and says, ".... I need a shot.". Awwwwkward. I said, "umm.. yeah, what can I get you :s" The couple ended up getting a ride home from one of the cooks and he said she was hitting on him the whole ride!

Quite a fun night, although I wish I was able to enjoy a few more car bombs with the patrons :)

Happy (belated) St. Patty's Day!!!